"The Brady Bunch" made it look easy. Take one family with a dad and three sons. Add another with a mom and three daughters, and you've got one big happy family. Sure, there were conflicts, but every problem was solved by the end of the half-hour episode. It's not quite that easy, say area families who have successfully navigated the rough waters of blending two families into one.
According to Dr. Mario Alonso, a psychologist and founder/CEO of Metropolitan Consultation Associates, Allentown, bringing children into a new family formed by remarriage carries the same problems as any major life change. Children can suffer from disorientation. They may be changing homes, schools and moving into an already established family. They're very vulnerable, and each child reacts differently. "Co-parenting is the biggest issue I see in blended families," Alonzo says.
Blending parenting styles
Successful co-parenting is exactly what it took for Ann and Frank Gennaro of Hazleton to bring their Brady Bunch together. Ann was a widow with four children (Annie, 4; Philip, 6; Megan, 13 and Joe, 16) when she married Frank, who was divorced and had primary custody of his three children (Courtney, 12; Alison, 14 and Patrick, 15). "When we talked about getting married," Ann says, "we thought it might be crazy to put seven kids together."
One of the Gennaro's strategies was bringing all the children together often before they married and including them in discussions about the new living arrangements. Although a psychologist Ann consulted recommended moving to neutral territory, that wasn't practical. So Ann sold her house, and she and her children moved into Frank's six-bedroom home when they married in 1993.
Even though the kids settled into the new living arrangement well, Ann and Frank had many issues to work out. First was discipline. "I was more strict," says Ann, so there were disagreements between them about rules and punishments. "Sure, we'd argue, but then we'd sit down and figure out what to do."
Building new rituals together
Alonso says this kind of negotiation is crucial. "You've got to get out of the win/lose situation and understand the other person's perspective," he says. "The key to successful blending is negotiation and dialogue."
Bob and Holly Hillman of Nazareth had similar experiences when they married in 2000. Holly's daughter, Rebecca, was 7. Bob's son, Bobby, was 4. "I raised Rebecca alone, so it was always just the two of us," says Holly. The same was true of Bob, who has had primary custody of Bobby since he was 3. The children had to learn to share their parents with another adult and a stepsibling.
The Hillmans also had to negotiate a discipline style. "We try to treat the children as equals with the same rules and restrictions, adjusted for their personalities and ages," says Holly. Then they added a new baby to the mix. Chelsea is 16 months old. "There was some jealousy at first, but we tried not to change our lives too much and kept doing things as a family. Especially important was giving each of the children time alone with their parent," Holly explains.
Patricia Gordy, senior therapist at the Behavioral Health Science Center at Lehigh Valley Hospital-Muhlenberg, says that parents of blended families argue most about parenting styles and secondly about money, often revolving around child-related issues such as paying child support and college tuition. "These can be virtual strangers thrown into an intimate, stressful situation," she says. "Many people want too much closeness too quickly, and it's overwhelming for the children." She recommends holding family meetings, discussing rules and expectations and what role each parent will play.
She also recommends establishing new rituals and traditions to build family unity -- anything from watching a favorite TV show together to getting a new pet. The Gennaros made sure the family had dinner together every night, and once a week they held "game night." "Even today the kids (only three still live at home) ask for game night when they're here for the holidays," Ann says.
Finding time alone for parents
"What's that?" Holly laughs. "After the kids are in bed is our time together."
Gordy says it's important to protect the marital unit with time away and time out. The Gennaros said they sacrificed much of their couple time for the sake of the family, but it became easier as the children matured.
We did put a lock on our bedroom door early on," Ann explains, "and told the kids not to disturb us unless it was an emergency because we needed private time together."
A major problem for blended families can be the stress of running the household and keeping up with children's activities while both parents work. The Gennaros assigned the children household chores, worked out a daily schedule for showers for their two full and two half-baths, and Ann wrote out instructions for cooking dinner before she left for work each day.
Gordy says she's seen people use creative solutions such as hiring college or high school students to take children to after-school activities. Others call on extended family members for help. She also recommends reducing each child's activities to one or two per season.
Conflicts with non-custodial parents
Many times the rules are different from one home to another. In the beginning, the Hillmans had problems with Bobby because his mother's parenting style was different from theirs. But they made sure he understood that when he was with them, their rules prevailed.
"It took Bobby a while to trust that our family was stable and that I would always be here," Holly explained. "But now he has adjusted to the way we do things."
In the Gennaro family the parents let Frank's children choose if their mother gave them permission to do something they didn't approve of. Ann says assuring children that you love and care for them and honestly explaining the reasoning for your rules and decisions works well. "If you treat them with respect, youíll get respect back," she says.
That approach meshes with what Gordy calls an authoritative parenting style. "In her book, For Better or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Mavis Hetherington identifies this style as 'discipline with kindness'," she explains.
Despite statistics that show 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce and that the rate of divorce is 50 percent higher when there are stepchildren involved, statistics also show that 75 to 80 percent of children come out of divorce and step situations well. It may not be as easy to have a successful blended family as depicted on "The Brady Bunch," but with lots of love, patience and compromise, the blended family can become as close and strong as the traditional nuclear family.
Support for stepfamilies
Behavioral Health Science Center
Lehigh Valley Hospital (Muhlenberg)
2545 Schoenersville Road
Bethlehem, PA 18017
(610) 402-CARE
www.lvhhn.org/locations/muhlenberg
Family and Counseling Services of the Lehigh Valley
Four locations in the Lehigh Valley
610-435-9651
www.familyanswers.org
Catholic Social Agency
2141 Downyflake Lane
Allentown, PA 18103-4774
Phone: 610-791-3888
www.allentowndiocese.org/administration/services
Metropolitan Counseling Associates
Dr. Mario Alonso
1727 Jonathan Street
Allentown, PA 18104
610-437-2277
www.mcasynergy.com
Web Sites:
www.saafamilies.org
Stepfamily Association of America, Inc.
Provides information and resources for anyone interested in stepfamilies and their issues.
www.KidsHealth.org
Created by The Nemours Foundation's Center for Children's Health Media, KidsHealth provides families with accurate, up-to-date, and jargon-free health information. Includes a "Kids" section where children can find information on blended families.
Books:
For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered
By E. Mavis Hetherington, John Kelly
W.W. Norton & Company, February 2003
Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family
by Susan Wisdom, Jennifer Green
Three Rivers Press, February 2002
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